Putting Out Fires Without A Hose

Helping people for a living can make you feel like you should have it together, but the truth is messier. We get real about the gap nobody prepares you for: being good at care is not the same thing as being good at running a business. I share what it’s like to juggle clinical work, leadership decisions, and the pressure of quality oversight while still trying to be a present parent and a functioning human who needs actual rest. If you’re a therapist, group practice owner, or any kind of helper, you’ll recognize the quiet weight of carrying it all.  <br><br>Then we shift into home life with a first responder schedule and why “consistent and consistently inconsistent” can be the perfect phrase for the stress it creates. When a firefighter spouse comes home after a long shift, couples often have to renegotiate parenting, chores, and emotional bandwidth in real time. That’s where miscommunication, solo parenting exhaustion, and the sense of disorientation can sneak in. We also name the taboo feelings, resentment toward the job, missing your partner while they’re sitting next to you, and the fear of scheduling or technology failures when you’re already at capacity.  <br><br>We ground it with practical mental health tools and a CBT framework: thoughts and emotions show up on their own, but behavior is where we still have choices. We talk about decompression, advocacy, communication boundaries, and small rituals like weekly check ins and family meetings that can make life feel less like whiplash. Finally, we zoom in on burnout signals in the body, the clenched jaw, the tight chest, the curled toes, as a cue to slow down and reassess before you hit the wall.  <br><br>If any of this hits close to home, listen through and share it with someone who’s carrying a heavy load too. Subscribe for more honest conversations, and leave a review with the coping ritual that helps you most.

Transcript

Welcome And The Messy Middle

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Good morning, afternoon, or evening, wherever you are, whenever you decide to listen to this. This is Emily Ann Bihar, licensed clinical professional counselor here in Las Vegas, Nevada. I don't think I formally introduced myself like that in the past two episodes, so yay for progress. Yeah, I just wanted to jump in today and kind of get right into the stickiness. I hope that the past week was reflective for you. I know that sometimes I'll throw in some therapeutic, you know, helpful things in this podcast, really want to discuss, you know, what it's like to, I guess, not have it together and help others know and understand that even if we don't have it together right now, it it's right now and that doesn't stick forever. You know, it's one of those things where, and if you didn't listen, if you haven't heard my first two episodes, it looks a whole lot like running a business, running a home, being a parent, being a human that needs to self-care and just decompress and shut down, especially being a therapist, being married to a firefighter. I mean, there's a lot going on here. You know, I really don't know if I want to say I don't know if anything can top that. I'm pretty sure that there are things that can top it, but it doesn't feel that way for me right now. So I'm gonna give that to myself.

Helping People Versus Running A Business

SPEAKER_00 1:33

Today I wanted to talk about the reality that helping people and running a business are two completely different skill sets. And and this can apply to so much in our life, right? Whether we're volunteering at our kids' school, we're going to play mahjong. Did I even say that right? I'm like Aiden and my parents used to play mahjong all the time. Okay, I think I said it better better that time. You know, just like being involved in the community, helping people, and and also it's just it's two different beasts, right? You can't do one without the other. Like, or I'm sorry, you can't do one. No, did I get that right? Like, I guess where I'm going with this is that helping people and being kind is different than running a business because you have to make tough decisions. And that can look like letting someone go. It can look like, you know, I'll just use my field for an example because I can't really, I don't want to take that credit for a field that I'm not in. You know, when you have like a client come complain about something, and how do you put that fire out? Do you see what I did there? Fire, fire wife, fire, put it out. That was like a really, really ugly dad joke, and I wish I could take that back. So yeah, so that's hard. You know, I'm noticing a lot of like, and and it's so interesting how this translates into relationships and also your household, right? Like in your home, there needs to be a process of laundry, dusting, cleaning, mopping, vacuuming. And if it doesn't, everything will fall apart. Yeah, it's a different scale, but not when you're going to practice. You have a team, they're relying on you. You have quality assurance, you have people who will, you know, do a group practice not so you have people who will harm other people. There, there are people who reminds me of the Flintstones episode. No, the Flintstones movie. And I'm pretty sure one of them was embezzling. I don't know. That just came to my brain. But anyway, there's a lot to oversee. And without a process or a smooth system, you're you're kind of you're kind of effed sideways. Part of my quasi-language, it's it's true. Like you don't really know until you know, and it's not your fault for not knowing. I mean, again, did we go get the MBA while we were, you know, balls deep in our fucking grad program? I didn't think I needed it. Which by the way, I definitely want to teach that in these podcasts if you're a therapist about agency work and becoming your own group practice owner and your own individual practice owner, because there's perks to both of

Firefighter Schedules And Family Whiplash

SPEAKER_00 4:31

them. What I will say is not a perk is when you are married to a firefighter who has what is called a waterfall schedule. So check this out. If you know nothing about this, I'm gonna blow your mind. Okay. My husband says, I'm sorry, I'm totally seguing to something else, but I promise I'll circle back. So he tells me that his now please tell me if you can relate. I don't know, throw out a fucking smoke signal or something, Morris code me. He tells me that his schedule is consistent and it is consistently inconsistent. And the reason why I say that is because if he works Monday and Tuesday one week, the next week he works Sunday, Monday, and then it's Saturday, Sunday, and then it's Friday, Saturday. So oftentimes I find myself and I try to be as transparent as possible. It's hard when I'm juggling the kids in summer school or sorry, summer camp and regular school, and they don't go to school on Fridays. That's a whole other thing. Kind of cool, kind of not. You know, I feel lucky that I am flexible, I guess, in a sense, but it's not consistent. I cannot have a recurring client two weeks consecutively because I can see them four weeks consecutively. And then when he has that little 48-hour thing imaging that he has, yeah, no, I I can't I can't do it. So I think he and I have been working on accepting that there is a little bit of like disorientation when we're dealing with him coming home from his shift. We have to reintegrate into what parenting together looks like, you know, and and and kind of just targeting my couples out there who are listening to this. Because again, you don't have to be married to a firefighter or a first responder, but if you are, I'm sure this is going to resonate in a, I want to say on a level that like hits your bone marrow, because I don't know why, but I feel like it's accurate. You know, and then communication breakdowns. That's always hard when there's high stress. Parenting alone, right? We kind of figure out how to do it alone. It's exhausting. And then our spouse comes home and then it's like, no, I got this. And then it's just difficult all around. The emotional labor of it is exhausting. You really, really, really, really need to take the five minutes in or 10 and just like decompress. I tell my clients this all the time. There are so many funny reels where women or therapists are like, Did you tell your client to do this? And they're like, Yes. And then they're like, and did you do this? And you're like, no. What kind of models are we, people? You know, and I just want to be very, very honest right now. I really do. It's not my favorite thing in the world. I have a lot of fears. This is up there. This is a pretty big up there fear. Missing important events is not gonna say it's the worst, but those hit hard. And I'm sure there's some deep underlying psychological reason for it from my childhood. But missing important events, scheduling mishaps, technology failures, stop. I'm in the middle of crying in my own therapy session, and then my therapist is gone, or he looks like the poltergeist. Now I'm crying for a different reason. You know, just awkward moments, you know, whether that's with your spouse or at a grocery store. I mean, who needs those? They happen, but what do we do? I mean, I I kind of sometimes laugh at them, even though, excuse me, even though maybe they're not laughable, but I do anyway. So not judging myself on that, neither should you. And and here's the thing. I'm gonna be, I think I said transparent before. I'm going to be transparent and vulnerable. How many of you right now can honestly say that you think of things that we do not say out loud, whether it's to ourselves or to our pillow or to a journal?

Resentment, Burnout, And Being Strong

SPEAKER_00 8:48

So I'm gonna say it. And if I'm alone, then that's okay. I will be hashtag castaway. Or hey, we're in this together. I will say that sometimes what I want to say out loud to myself, maybe even mainly my husband, but myself, mainly my husband, I resent the job. I resent it. Uh, you know, when he goes to work, there are times where I feel like he's connecting with adults because he is. They're breaking bread, they're going grocery shopping. I really do think that they don't do a whole lot sometimes. And I know that that's not accurate. I mean, like my husband's partner like literally delivered a baby. It would be like me saying, I don't know, I have nothing comparable in therapy land. So I get it, but sometimes he's like, Yeah, we made cookies, and I just, I just resent it. You know, I'm like working and handling the kids and the turtles and the cats and the dogs, and I'm sorry, did someone say self-care? That's out the window. And showing up and holding space for people. So, you know, yes, in the grand scheme of things, I chose that, I have that, and I will own that. It doesn't mean that it's easy and and that I can control these thoughts because we can't. Scientifically, and the universe just says we cannot control our thoughts and we cannot control our emotions. We can control our behavior. So I guess this is kind of like the fine line between thoughts, feelings, and behavior. Thank you, CBT. I don't always want to be the strong one. This is another one of my guilty pleasure. I don't want to say it out loud. You know, I I don't know how many of you can reflect on that and say, damn, Emily, I I don't either. Like, when can I fall apart? Right? When when can I, you know, I don't want to say be babied, right? Because, you know, but it would be nice, I guess, depending on what that looks like or how you view being babied. But I just I don't always want to be the strong one. And and I don't know, some people do maybe, and and that could be a defense mechanism, or maybe they have I don't know, something which is fine. I just me personally, I I just I don't want to, and unfortunately, I'm not able to. There are times where I just like fall down to my knees and my eyeballs pop out, and I just weep and wail, and I can't that's it, you guys. I'm like, I am past a breaking point and mental breakdown, fully blown climbs to the 10th, 20th power. So I'm gonna own that. And then, confusingly enough, another thing that we don't say out loud, or you know, I'm gonna say I don't say out loud, and I there's some firewives that I've connected with. I I miss I miss my spouse while they're sitting next to me. And then my my little therapeutic brain cells are like, gosh, Emily, manage your attachment issues. Like, why do you gotta make it all about being abandoned? And sometimes it's just really nice. Like when my boys are in the room and they're living room children, and I'm hearing them and they're not fighting, or chomping in my ear, eating takis. I love it. I I feel so maybe I'm just a family-oriented person. I don't know how you are, and and that's okay if you like to be alone and prefer not going to Costco on a Saturday afternoon, because I'm gonna be honest, I I would, yeah, I don't want to do that. The appetizers aren't worth it, and I'd rather go to Piranha by myself at like two in the morning, and that's like way that's way past my bedtime. So, look, at the end of the day, don't be afraid to say the things out loud that you need or want to say. Find the person that you can say it with or to whom you know, sometimes I can get away with saying it to my husband, and sometimes after 72 hours of like not sleeping, and his brain is just kind of working against him scientifically, not the right time. So find your your people, and you know, as far as like jumping around, right? Self-care, being able to advocate for yourself and set some like lovely communication boundaries in the event you're in a relationship and you are a therapist and you're married to a first responder. Some

Rituals, Boundaries, And Listening To Your Body

SPEAKER_00 13:35

of the things that I've noticed that have worked for other people, especially when life is busy and you know, it's just oh gosh, I'm like all activated right now. Share one practical strategy, right, with with that support person that you have, whether you are divorced and you have a special someone or a friend or your spouse, and that can look like let's do like a ritual. Like maybe we can do something. There's so many cool rituals out there. I I found some the other day on Instagram. And I like low-key want to do them. One of them is you get dressed up like a princess, and your kids get dressed up in tuxedos, and then you have like a really fancy dinner at home. I'm talking like Beef Wellington fancy, and yes, my husband cooks it, so I will be eating it. Something like that is so cool, you guys. And then just weekly check-ins, you know, my my family, when it's my family and not just Eli and I, or Eli Ari and I, we'll do family meetings and I'll ask about grievances. And sometimes the kids will have some and sometimes they won't. But these little like rituals, I feel like they overweigh the technology failures and the scheduling mishaps. Okay, maybe not that, but oh my gosh, it's a lot, everyone. So let's just notice that. I think that'll be my my mantra ending. Notice that and see what's happening to you and your body. I say that with humor, but in all, in all real, in all realness, if that's even a word, yeah. Your body is like your best communicator. Just notice if your butt cheeks are clenched or your toes are curled up, and and then I guess we can reassess what's going on there. But I am going to wrap up, and I really do hope that we that I'm helping with all of this. You are not alone and oh my gosh, just burnout and your body talking and sanity and all the things. So, you know, it's again, there's power in community, and whether you need to hear that or not, you're seen. You're seen. Be kind to yourself and give yourself some grace and permission to fall apart. And that is a non medical prescription. So until next week, I hope you have a good seven days. Thank you for tuning in. Bye.